Still trying to get rid of that day job…
I’m one of a million actors living in LA. I’ve been struggling to be a working actor for 9 years now. During those 9 years I was a host on a late night national TV show called “IZ”, have appeared on General Hospital twice, did a short bit on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, did one national, a couple regional and one foreign commercial, did stand-up comedy for two years and appeared in many indie films.
During that time I also worked in the dot-com world (as a developer/technical director) where I met and married my dream girl, got laid off three times, was offered six figures to work for Stan Lee Media (which I turned down), missed my chance to become a millionaire (by turning down stock options personally offered to me), got fired, attended many USELESS meetings and a couple wild company parties and acquired enough inter-office stories to create three feature films.
Now I’m in major debt, still doing web development work and still acting while restoring a 1912 Craftsman Bungalow with my wife, two corgis and three cats.
In gearing up for my show that opens up this friday - “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Asian Men“, I will post one essay, every day, that I wrote in the workshop. This first one was actually my application essay for acceptance into the workshop.
I now bear my soul here:
The Search for Identity.
As I close my eyes I remember this scene from a Jackie Chan movie where Jackie Chan is standing on top of a big grassy hill in a forest screaming “Who am I?” This is what my inner self has been screaming inside my head for most of my life, and the answer still eludes me. I find myself drawn to movies and stories such as the Matrix, Bourne Identity, and the X-Men because I feel these stories have similar themes to my life. They are all about self discovery, the search for identity and purpose, embracing who you are, discovering hidden skills and talents and using them to positively influence the world around you. These stories serve as inspiration for my life’s journey.
As I search for identity, what I do know is this: I am an American-born half-Chinese, half-Filipino, first-born son. My father is from the bustling city of Hong Kong and my mother is from the island of Bohol. I grew up in both Delaware and Pennsylvania and moved to Los Angeles six years ago.
For most of my life, the only Asian influence that I had was my immediate family. All my relatives were in Hong Kong, or the Philippines and would visit every once in a while, but basically my immediate family was it. Because my mother spoke Besian and my father spoke Cantonese, English was the only language spoken in our house unless my mother or father spoke to relatives. During my childhood, on two occasions, my parents took us to both Hong Kong and the Philippines to show us where our family is from. It was pretty eye opening to see how different my parents grew up from each other, and how different those cultures are to America. It was nice to visit, but to us children, we were American and we liked our home in America better.
As I entered high-school, I started having an identity crisis. This is the period of my life I like to call “Asian and confused”. There were only 5 Asians in the entire school and I was the only Asian in my grade. I spent my entire high-school career trying to shrug off the Asian stereotype. Being Asian wasn’t cool. Asians were foreign and weird. They spoke weird languages, didn’t know how to dress and didn’t know how to be cool - or at least this was the message I got from TV, movies and other people. Because of this, I didn’t want to be Asian and I did everything I could to disassociate myself from my heritage. I didn’t want to ever be seen with my parents because they were Asian. I never wanted my parents to speak to me or my friends outside of the house because they had accents. I didn’t want to go to Chinese restaurants or be around anything remotely Asian. I never wanted to be seen with Asian people. Not even my family.
I always had problems approaching women, thinking that they would reject me because I was Asian. The thought of being rejected for something I couldn’t change just devastated me. So I tried to be “white” and assimilate into the culture, but that wasn’t good enough. I wanted to be something more. Then it happened. The sounds and fashions of New Jack Swing emerged - and between 1989 and 1991 I totally transformed myself. I became the coolest Asian guy on the planet. I sported the latest fashions, used the latest street slang, walked with a strut, talked with a deep voice, knew all the lyrics to all the hits and could out dance anyone on the dance floor. I had arrived. I had transcended the stereotypes and become something more than just Asian. I was Asian on the outside, but black on the inside. I finally had an identity. I was the smoothest, best dressed, best dancer in the school. But my insecurities still persisted and my ego was still fragile. I still had something to prove. I wanted everyone in the entire school to know just how “cool” I was. So at the end of my senior year I entered myself into the school’s talent show and choreographed an entire hip-hop dance routine. That night, I had the entire school chanting my name and cheering me on. It was the ultimate high, it gave me validation and now I had something to prove to the world - that I could be just as “cool” as everyone else.
Many years have passed since that incredible night and in a lot of ways I am a completely different person. But even as an adult, I still carry some of the same fears and insecurities I had growing up - and I still struggle with self identity. What has changed is that I am now proud of who I am and embrace my heritage. I now wish to learn more about my family and my roots but my inner self is still asking the question, “Who am I?” and “How do I fit into this world?
Other Known Facts.
My Chinese name is Chiu Da-Wei which means “reaching for the essence”. The important things in my life are my wife, my faith, family, health, fitness, success, having a voice, creative freedom and life-long learning. I draw inspiration from many different places because of my many interests. I am inspired when people overcome great struggles or break through seemingly impossible boundaries. I am inspired when people really connect with their skills and talents and give all they’ve got, not afraid to let their passion and feelings show through their work. I am inspired by people who are extraordinarily clever and creative and can produce work that combines both art and science. I am inspired by incredible feats of the mind, body and spirit.
As for my hopes and dreams, I wish for a happy, prosperous life where I can grow old with my wife. I wish for a successful career in both art and business. I wish to be able to influence the world in a positive, creative way. More specifically, I want to break stereotypes. I want to have a voice. I want to tweak ideas people have in their heads and make them think. I want to be able to show and express full passion, sensuality and emotion. I want people to see that there is more to me than meets the eye. I want to tell my story.
I have many interests which span across art, science, health and fitness. I gain my excitement by learning, mixing and experimenting in these different fields. Some of my interests include music, music production, acting, filmmaking, psychology, marketing, business, computers, computer science, electronics, holistic medicine, religion, bodybuilding, martial arts, dance, technology, snowboarding, and indoor rock climbing.
With all my dreams and aspirations, I am terrified that I will never accomplish anything. I have a fear of failure in my career and creative endeavors. I fear of ending up alone without having someone to love or be loved. I fear of this brave new world that is unfolding before our eyes with all it’s insecurities in career, health and life. I fear of all the negative impacts that come with all the breakthroughs and advancements in science. I fear I will never reach my full potential.
In general, I am a pretty laid-back person and it takes a lot to really make me mad, but there are some things that I just can’t stand. Racism is the biggest one with stereotypes being a close second. Racism boils my blood. The only thing that could make me just as mad is if someone did any harm to my family. I also hate scam artists and people who try to take advantage of others. Arrogant people also make me mad as well as ignorant and condescending people.
Even though I still don’t have an answer to the question “who am I?”, what I have learned is this: life is a journey to be cherished and shared with those who love you.